The idea of love is undoubtedly warped and fuzzy in my twenty-two year old brain, but who's isn't? From what I know of most relationships between friends of mine, people decide to label relationships as love far too quickly, forcing an unhealthy layer of comfort usually constructed from a fear of being alone. This type of thing, from an objective perspective, seems naive and dumb in a grand sense, but it is rarely simple enough to be viewed as that. I was in love and it was a perfect fit, and I am unfortunately unable to push it aside as false or unhealthy.
Wanting what you can't have is natural. Somewhere within the inner workings of my body, my arms and legs move about in a sometimes dishonest, sometimes primitive way. Years back, I came across someone that was alone, uninteresting, passive and dull. At the time, I took the love that I had for granted and shifted my energy from what was right toward what was distinctly wrong and nothing else. Writing about it in this fashion makes it seem as if this were a quick and heartless decision on my end, and I guess that isn't too far from the truth. Tension built between this sad, sad person and I over a very long and relatively uneventful time directly effected my relationship with Lee. My relationship with the love of my life was fading fast and it was completely my doing. I was aware of it, and viewed this "friend" as a plan-b, although she was the main reason why my relationship of almost four years was dissipating to begin with. For a long time, I felt indifferent in regard to Lee's (my actual relationship) view of time spent between June (my unconscious band-aid to fill the void left behind with Lee) and I. Looking back on it, I can't believe that I was incapable of understanding her perspective on the situation. Maybe I'm stubborn because she was right about it all. Maybe it's that I'm not completely over any of this yet. I can't pinpoint exactly what I feel, and whenever I feel as if I'm closing in on it, it changes drastically because od the fact that conditions are constantly changing all around me.
Attraction is obviously relative and I know that I'm not reinventing the wheel by mentioning it, but it's important to recognize. I spent six months in a relationship with someone completely uninteresting, unintelligent, manic, and unmotivated. I was fixed on the idea of a relationship only because I was a member of such a healthy one for so long, irrelevant to the one forming at the time. Being attracted to the fact that someone is attracted to you is a poor and shallow quality, and I wish that I was aware of it at the time. Having been oblivious toward the situation from the very beginning leaves me feeling embarrassed with all of those that know of my problems in greater detail. But can I really blame myself? When so many complicated layers of intricacy (sex, money, dependency, mutual friendships, feelings about others, etc) are poured onto an already frail and untrue foundation, what can you expect other than destruction? I'm left with that empty lot where a beautiful thing once stood, and am still cleaning up the mess from previous attempts to replicate it. And I'm not unhappy about that.
I was pursued while in a relationship, too. That is something that I find to be pathetic, especially if you are the pursuer. Especially if you are an admitted psychopath without enough respect for yourself to seek medical attention. I mention this because I see June doing exactly what was done to me to someone else. That someone happens to be in the midst of what I presume to be a healthy eight year relationship. Our relationship is pretty much non-existent, and I've only spoken to him once. Maybe he knows of my situation well enough to gain something from it. I hope so. Her intentions are so clear, and the temptation of infidelity is impossible to ignore for some. He seems like a decent guy, and I hope he doesn't make the same mistake I did. It's no coincidence that her only friend in this entire world is someone equally as pathetic as herself. I don't use the word pathetic too often or loosely, but I can't imagine a more fitting home for it. She's malicious in her intent and too dumb to realize it. Pathetic.
With that said, it'd be fun to see someone react under the same circumstances that I had to, in order to give myself a point to measure from. One hundred percent of people in the same situation would have done better than me. I originally intended to end this post with something to the effect of, "Despite all of this nonsense, I actually mean well." or, "Well, that's all folks!" but both come across as equally humurous.
